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5.6 Essay - Improving The Language

Instructions: None
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5.6 Essay - Improving The Language


Improved language means better sentence structures, better adjectives and the use of modal verbs.

Let's start with the first few sentences from our basic essay:

There is a big gap between the rich and the poor in today's society, and it's getting bigger. Something needs to be done to make people aware of this situation.

The improved version would be:

The ever widening gap between the have's and the have-not's has been increasing at an alarming rate, and huge swathes of the world's population now face extreme poverty. Measures to combat complacency and ignorance are urgently needed, so as to put this subject front and centre in the minds of the rich and powerful.

Using the same approach for the last sentence of the first paragraph:

There are two way this might be done.

gives this improved version:

To achieve this, there would appear to be two possible approaches.

Using these ideas, the second paragraph would look something like this:

Firstly, the media has been disappointingly ineffective so far in shining a light on this state of affairs. The plight of hundreds of millions of people, who are trapped in the vicious circle of extreme poverty, is ignored by the investigative television journalists. Some honest in-depth reporting on their part would, however, educate the public about how desperate the conditions for some are, and this might spur governments to finally take measures to alleviate the suffering of these unfortunate people.

In the same way, the third paragraph could then be:

Additionally, the schools need to face up to their responsibility here. Despite the fact that their students need to be taught about their own societies, the anguish of children in other parts of the world, who are much worse off, should not be ignored. The underlying social reasons for these conditions needs to be explained, so as to awaken the desire on the part of the students to get involved in movements to eradicate poverty.

And then the final paragraph could be:

Nevertheless, education is the slow train to progress, whereas what are needed now are immediate results. Only the media can deliver the kind of impact the problem is cying out for, and only the media can communicate with the people who can effect such a change.

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